Taking a break from full on, insightful political comment (I’ve got a headache, seriously I have), I thought I would ponder the anticipated changes to come in post
apocalyptic referendum days. I’m particularly concerned about how the rUK will describe itself and represent itself to the world when Scotland is independent. I mean what to call the new country? What about a flag?
Now you are going to have to indulge me a bit here, it is a bit of fantasy, because we all know that non Scotland left over Britain is going to continue to call itself the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland though they might go for the United Kingdom of Britain and Northern Ireland instead. Spot the subtle difference there? Of course the United Kingdom part is a bit of problem as well, seeing as there won’t be one. Anyway you will be pleased to hear I have an excellent suggestion.
More of that later, but firstly what about the flag? Now again the left overs may not be too keen on a change. Remember they have to make it look it like nothing has changed, Brittania still rules the waves, a quarter of the map is still pink and the UK is still a major world power. You’ll remember that when Ireland decided they had had enough and flounced off the Brits still kept the cross of St Patrick in the flag. Of course they will still keep the cross of St Andrew as well as the flag would look decidedly colourless and insipid without it, bit like Stella McCartney’s Olympic effort (p.s. tell your dad it really is time to pack it in).
The observant among you will have noticed that I have designed a superb new alternative flag. There is something in it for everyone . St George still has his cross to represent England and Ulster has its red hand. As everyone knows the poor old Welsh have never had a look in on any of the Union flags over the centuries. We are going to change that. Hence the dragons in each quadrant.
Ah, I hear you say, surely the Welsh dragon is red? Well normally yes, but here’s the really clever part. Having a green dragon brings in the colour green from the Welsh flag, which has never featured before and emphasises Westminster’s commitment to the enviroment. What could be better? Dragons are a source of renewable energy, highly efficient, clean burning and no waste apart from the odd carbonised victim. Surely much better and more characterful than putting a picture of an English nuclear power station in each quadrant.
So we have a new flag but what about a new name? At the moment we refer to the rUK or RUK with r standing for rump of, remainder of, rest of, rectum of, choose your favourite r. So we need a name with a clear meaning and we need something that is accurate. I’m a stickler for accuracy so r of UK doesn’t cut it. Why? because after Scottish independence there will of course be no United Kingdom. The left overs will be one kingdom, one principality and a province.
So Remainder of, Rump of etc of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is both clumsy and inaccurate. But I have a solution that is accurate, memorable and slips off the tongue a tad more easily. It is Former. Now there is precedence here as we have the example of the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. What could be more appropriate than to adopt this example.
There we have it. Two states, Scotland and the Other Former members of the United Kingdom or OFUK for short. Not only is it easily remembered it is accurate and it is easy to pronounce, fair slips off the tongue.
There are other advantages too. It is always there when you need it to provide inspiration. For example imagine the Chancellor, the good Gideon, deep in contemplation considering how to raise some more desperately required revenue. Tax North Sea oil, no can’t do that any more, plunder the ever rising profits of the Scotch whisky industry, no can’t do that any more either. Where can I get more tax? OFUK. Yes! that’s it.
It’s a boon to the traveller. There you are returning to good old blighty from a trip to a poor country, say a poor country with an economic growth rate four times your own, lower unemployment, higher GDP, longer life expectancy, with friendly people and a distinct lack of rioting in the streets, somewhere like Iceland. There you are at Heathrow cheerfully queueing for two hours to collect your luggage and another three hours to clear customs, you think to yourself, OFUK.
When you travel abroad to some poor benighted holiday spot with tons of sunshine, beautiful beaches, lovely food, cold, cheap beer and full hotels, like say Greece. The chap at customs takes your passport, smiles sympathetically and says ”OFUK, tough luck”.
So there we have it my new
foreign neighbours, a new flag and a new national identity. No, no need to thank me. OFUK go on then.